Top 5: Celebs over 50

I am a student. That means I have priorities. 1) Studying. 2) Sleeping. 3)Eating. 4) Porn. 5) Porn. God damn I hope my mother isn't reading this.

Anyways, I've begun to notice that my belly is starting to resemble flubber. I sweat like James Gandolfini and breath like John Goodman. In between servings of McDonalds and Wendys (Hey, they're cheap and quick. Just like my ex wife. Heyy Ohhh!) I have about a two hour window to go workout at the gym, but let's be honest, who the fuck goes to the gym except the cast of Jersey Shore? Or, I mean, everyone else I talk to. Let's just pretend it's just the cast of Jersey Shore so I don't feel so damn lazy.

However, celebrity males somehow keep perfectly sculpted bodies maintained throughout the year. Thats fine for me, I mean, it's these guys' jobs to look good, and they have personal trainers to keep them going.

What about celebs over 50? Where's the excuse there? Here is my personal shame, male celebs over the age of 50, who are in better shape than I am.

Personal shame begins..... now:

5) Clint Eastwood
AGE: 81

He's not in the best shape, but he still puts me to shame. AND HE'S 80 FUCKING YEARS OLD. GOD DAMN IT. He's 60 years older than me and he could still kick the living shit out of me. Hmm.. that should be the next list, guys over 50 who could kick my ass. However, that list could be twice as long, and my personal shame would be twice as bad.

AGE GAP: A humiliating 60 years. My father just phoned me to tell me he's putting me up for adoption.

4) Dennis Quaid
AGE: 57

Dennis Quaid is buff. Buffer than me. 10 times buffer than me. I'm now beyond the point of shame and entering the point of depression. I'm ordering pizza to console myself.

AGE GAP: 37 years. Not as bad as 60, but still bad enough to make me question whether I should tell women I have a thyroid problem. That sounds believable, right?

3) Kevin Bacon
AGE: 53

His wife may be a butterface, but Kevin Bacon is still in much better shape than me. But to be perfectly honest, I could put Jack Black on this list and he'd be in better shape than me. Anyways, Shame.

AGE GAP : 33 years. I'm slowly feeling better.

2) Harrison Ford
AGE: 69

Harrison Ford is pretty badass, so I'm not that depressed on looking like I ate two of him. Still though, I wasn't aware it was possible to be near 70 and still have abs. I think if you liposuctioned out my ass, you could make a Harrison Ford life size model with the fat. Just saying.

AGE GAP: 39 years. That's the equivalent a middle aged man with a combover. I weep silently into my KFC.

1) George Clooney
AGE: 50

FUCK YOU GEORGE CLOONEY AND YOUR AMAZING MILLIONAIRE LIFE NEVER MARRYING, DATING SUPERMODELS, BEING INTERNATIONALLY LOVED. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AGE GAP : 30 years. GOD DAMN IT I HATE YOU.

Comments 4
Phil T's picture

lmao nice list. John stop being a pussy and lift some iron

Jonathan Szekeres's picture

Lifting iron is for pussies. Eating McDonalds takes a steely resolve and unlimited manhood.

George Prax's picture

Why do I feel like I should have written this blog?

In any case I don't know what's sadder. The fact that you're younger, fatter and less in shape than these people, or that you had to google image search "Clint Eastwood topless".

Jonathan Szekeres's picture

It was a sad quest.