The 31 Most Ridiculous Lines From True Detective Season 2

Here we are, a whole week removed from the much-maligned finale of True Detective's second season, and the consensus is that it (and quite frankly, a vast chunk of the season) was unfortunately awful. While I would be remiss to suggest that the season didn’t have its share of redeeming qualities, or that what creator/writer Nic Pizzolatto did didn’t at least keep us talking like he did last year (albeit under very different circumstances), there’s just no way around it; it was just bad. No character was given redemption, all of the bad guys got away, and almost everyone died. And for what? Pizzolatto’s ego?

In many ways, the second season felt like Pizzolatto’s way of sticking it to season one’s critics, who criticized its ending even though the season as a whole was very well received. It seemed like there was a lot of backlash against the show after the fact, citing the show's alleged misogyny, how it diverted from its themes at the last moment and even claims that Pizzolatto somehow plagiarized the plot. So instead of celebrating this huge achievement in television, people found a way to be really negative about it, all the while concerned only about which actors might be in the second season, leaving this bad taste surrounding the proceedings. And it clearly soured Pizzolatto on season two, if the final product is anything to go by.

Maybe it was the criticism, maybe it was the pressure of the hype surrounding the future of the show, maybe it was something else. But it got to Pizzolatto, and he reacted poorly, giving us a season that was pointlessly self-winking, tropy, hackneyed and most likely bad on purpose. An utter mess that resembled more a bad episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit than the heights of the epic first season. Maybe that's on Pizzolatto, maybe that's on us for expecting something great, but you can't deny that there plenty of moments throughout season two that felt as if Pizzolatto himself was walking out in front of the camera and yelling "see!" at all of his haters, and it backfired tremendously.

As a result, many moments in season 2 were kind of hilarious. Some intentional, like many of the quirkier moments of season one, some self-winking, as mentioned above, others just the result of the show not being very good, leading to comedic and even overly dramatic moments that just felt out of place.

With that in mind, we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the most unintentionally hilarious moments from season two of True Detective. No context, no explanation, just the cringe-worthy, laugh-out-loud moments that either made a bad season watchable or much worse. My personal favorite is the one about astronauts.

Let’s hope we don’t have to do it for season 3, if we ever make it that far.

Episode 1: "The Western Book Of The Dead"

  • "They took his shoes out of his gym locker." "And what? Shit in them?"
  • "I'll come back and buttfuck your father with your mom's headless corpse on this lawn."
  • "I used to want to be an astronaut. But astronauts don't even get to go to the moon anymore."

Episode 2: "Night Finds You"

  • "I tried [an e-cigarette] once. Felt like it was smoking me. A real cigarette wouldn’t make you feel like that. Maybe it was just too close to sucking a robot's dick."
  • "Well you know I support feminism, mostly by having body image issues."

Episode 3: "Maybe Tomorrow"

  • "I'm you commanding officer, when you see something, you call me." "I got shot, that's something."
  • "There's no part of my life not overwrought with live-or-die importance. I take a shit there's a gun to my head saying, 'make it a good one, don't fuck up!'"
  • "God forgive me for misreading what clues you leave for me in your limp dick."
  • "Is that a fucking e-cigarette?"
  • "Frankly, I'm apoplectic." "I'm feeling a little apoplectic myself."
  • "Booze tends to take the edge off. I want to stay angry."
  • "Is Ray hurt? What happened?" "Somebody murdered him."

Episode 4: "Down Will Come"

  • "You have one of the largest auras I've ever seen. Green and black, it's been taking up this whole room."
  • "You must have had hundreds of lives." "I don't think I can handle another one."

Episode 5: "Other Lives"

  • "What can I say, I just really like big dicks."
  • "Your compensatory projection of menace is a guaranteer of its lack, and it says something about the depth of your misperceptions."

Episode 6: "Church In Ruins"

  • "Don't you fucking shoot me Raymond!"
  • "You know me. You just didn't know you did."
  • Ray tells his son he might not see him again. The kid responds: "K."
  • "That's one off the bucket list; Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans."
  • "These contracts... signatures all over them..."

Episode 7: "Black Maps and Motel Rooms"

  • "You want me to roll a joint?"
  • "In the midst of being gangbanged by forces unseen, I figure I'd drill a new orifice, go on and fuck myself for a change."
  • "You see me managing an Applebee's?" "I worked at an Applebee's once, they give you a shift meal."
  • "Maybe you were put on earth for more than fucking." "Everything is fucking."
  • "Please articulate the percentage you would require in order to transact with me."
  • "Guy's been around less the last three months than my wife's period."

EPISODE 8: "Omega Station"

  • "You can't act for shit."
  • "I hope you saved some of that Miss Ukraine money."
  • "Honestly Ray, nobody had any idea you were this competent."
  • "You're a cop right? Lady cop?" "What gave me away? The tits?"